Bullies are basically insecure people who compensate for their insecurity by picking on others whom they see as inferior. With adults, picking on others seldom takes the form of a physical fight. More often it is a war of words or nasty behavior, which can be every bit as hurtful as physical blows. They have been bullies for most of their lives, and they continue demonstrating this behavior toward those they perceive as being weak. 

Male bullies often select women soldiers as their targets because they assume women won't fight back. And because girls are usually taught that fighting is not nice, women soldiers often accommodate bullies by backing down or allowing themselves to be intimidated.  Bullies are looking for targets who will back down. If a bully knows that you will stand up to him, he will move on to another target.  You must be prepared to stand up for yourself and confront bullies, whether they are male or female bullies, when they target you. A quick tongue will serve you well in dealing with these people.

Inside, most bullies are really cowards, and the last thing they want is for their target to fight back. Even though you may be able to deck the guy who is bullying you, there are better ways to deal with this. You cannot mince words with bullies. When a bully has just said something ugly to you, you must communicate in the same language. A little profanity can go a long way. You need a tough verbal punch. It helps to practice a few well-chosen phrases in advance, so you will be ready if bullying happens. Delivered in a strong, unwavering voice with a hard, direct look, a simple statement such as, "You sorry s____. Get out of my face and mind your own d____ business."  can be the surprise punch you need. No apologies, and do not look away. If he responds, just keep staring straight at him. Do not respond. The odds are sooner or later, he will mumble some trash and turn away. You will have won the fight, and this bully is less likely to threaten you again.

When a bully outranks you, you must still take a stand, but you have to be more careful with what you say. For example, "Sir, I can complete this task. I know what I am doing." Again, a steely stare with no tears or looking away is most important. Don't allow them to suck you into an argument. Bullies are trying to intimidate you. If you don't allow yourself to be intimidated, they will move on to someone else.

For more on this subject, read Move to the Front

Life is an obstacle course, whether you are in the military or not. Every time you overcome an obstacle, it gives you the confidence to face and successfully overcome the next obstacle. In the military, you know when you are scheduled to run an obstacle course. In life, you never know when the obstacles will occur. You may have a reasonable time and then, SLAM, you are hit with mulitiple obstacles. Rejoice when you overcome one, because you never know ehn the next one will take you by surprise.

When you cannot get over an obstacle, it is not the end. We learn from failures, as well as successes. What did you learn from this experience? Should you approach the obstacle differently? Should you change direction and avoid this obstacle completely? You can't avoid many obstacles in the military, but you can still maneuver and work with your teammates.  Whatever the challenge you face, don't quit over one failure.

You are in charge of your life and your career. Some obstacles in life are unavoidable, but many can be out maneuvered.  Network with your friends, coworkers, and mentors. Ask for their advice. You are not alone. Whatever the challenge, other people have faced it, as well. There is more than one way to solve every problem. Focus on moving forward. 

     Every person you supervise has strengths, but how they apply their talents depends on how you treat them. No matter how much rank you have, to be an effective leader you must respect your subordinates. They are, after all, the reason you have your job. In the rush to meet missions, organize briefings and reports, and prepare for operations, it's easy to neglect the basics of taking care of your team members. In the end your subordinates are the people who will carry you to success or let your butt hang out in the breeze.  In the military, they have to salute you and say, "Yes, sir.", but they don't have to give you their best. This applies in the civilian world as well. Take time to give them your best and respect their ability and ideas.

     When you make the effort to listen to your subordinates and to ask for their input, you tell them they are important. They care about the team and they want it to be successful, but they won't volunteer information unless you appear receptive. No matter what their rank or position, people are smart. If you dismiss their suggestions or routinely debate their positions, they know that you are only going through the motions of asking for their ideas. You already have your mind made up, and you really don't care what they think. While you may not follow every suggestion that is offered, you should at least listen objectively to your subordinates. Hear them out and don't debate the value of what they are saying.

     Example 
     Maj. Santiago asked Mr. Markey, one of his senior action officers, for his recommendations on how       to solve a budget issue. The answer Mr. Markey provided was not workable in Maj. Santiago's               opinion. However, instead of disagreeing with him, Maj. Santiago said "I value your judgment and        experience. I'll have to consider what you have suggested along with the other input I receive            before make a final decision on this." Although Maj. Santiago ultimately decided on a different 
    course of action,  Mr. Markey supported it, because he felt that he had been included in the                   decision making process. His ideas had been seriously considered.

     How you respond to ideas that you don't agree with has a lot to do not only with how your team members react to your decisions, but also how they perceive you as a leader. When they tell you something you'd rather not hear, don't shoot the messenger. If your subordinates aren't talking to you, it doesn't mean that everything is going fine. More often it means that they know you won't listen to them, so why should they waste their time talking with you. It also means that your team is not achieving its best.

     When someone attempts to intimidate  you, or say nasty things about you to your face, the natural reaction is often to turn and walk away. With rare exceptions, this is the wrong thing to do. Every time you look away, you empower them to do this to you again. From their perspective, they won the fight. You backed off, and they swell with power.
     The best way to combat this behavior is to employ the hard look. Look them directly in the eye with a straight, unemotional face. Stare right at them, and above all, do not look away. If you can't bear to look at their eyes, focus on their forehead. Hold the hard look long enough, and they will look away. They may try to get into your face or say something else critical, but don't back down. Stand your ground and continue to give them the hard look. After they have turned and walked off, you can then leave.
     Learning to use the hard look isn't easy. It takes courage and practice. Start by looking everyone you talk to directly in the eye. This is not intimidation on your part. It signals confidence in yourself and respect for the other person. You may have spent your whole life thinking that you shouldn't look people in the eye. This is not a good technique for success in life.
     Practice the hard look by looking at yourself in the mirror with a determined hard look. See how long you can hold it -- no flinches, no looking away. Then imagine that the person, who has been intimidating you, is the image in the mirror, and focus on your hard look. It may take some time, but you will develop the skill. And every time you use it in nasty encounters, you will become better at it.
     If someone who outranks you, is saying critical things to you, employ the unemotional hard look and say nothing in return, other than "Yes, sir/sergeant."; "No, sir/sergeant"; or "No excuse, sir/sergeant". Do not let them suck you into an argument and do not look down. If they challenge you by demanding to know why you are staring at them, do not respond. If what they have told you is correct, as in something you need to change, then make the change. Don't waste time dwelling on their poorly presented correction. In the military, giving a senior leader the hard look is not a violation of the UCMJ. It might piss them off, but you can't be court martialed for it. In most cases, these leaders will leave you alone after one or two of these hard look encounters.
     You are a person with talent and abilities. Stand up for yourself, when someone attempts to intimidate you with critical, nasty remarks. Keep your hard look ready for action.

    Sooner or later everyone runs into the boss with a hair-trigger temper, who vents his frustrations by screaming at his subordinates. In his calmer moments, he can be reasonable to work for. However, once you have been on the receiving end of his temper, you are always on edge awaiting the next explosion. He may or may not use profanity, but he will storm around and make personally insulting comments about your lack of competence, even in front of your subordinates.
                                                       Example
MAJ Acosta was a battalion executive officer. He knew his business, but he had little patience. As soon as he got wind that here was a problem, he flew into it hot, with all guns blazing. As a result, the staff and commanders were reluctant to discuss problems with him, and no one ever questioned his decisions. Morale among the staff was low. Most people where just counting the days until they could get out from under his supervision.

     The screamer is an advanced bully. As a senior leader, he knows he can't physically intimidate people (although some of them do), so he uses his voice and general demeanor to achieve the same results. He never displays this behavior in the presence of his superiors, and they may be unaware of the degree to which he intimidates and verbally abuses his subordinates. You have a choice when working for a screamer. You can tolerate his screaming, which can be very destructive to your psyche, or you can do the same thing you do to get a bully to back off. You can face up to them and their behavior.
     Obviously it's not in your best interest to confront a screamer boss in the midst of one of his tirades. Wait until a day or so after he has yelled at you and then ask to speak with him privately. Start by telling him in a level and unemotional voice that you are working hard to do the best job you can for him. Explain that you don't need to be yelled at to produce high quality work. At this point, most screamers will deny that they ever screamed at you. Repeat your point that your objective is to do good work and that by raising his voice he does not motivate you to excel. This will take considerable courage on your part. It is important to plan in advance exactly what you will say, rehearse it, and then stick with it.  No matter what happens in the discussion, keep your emotions in check. Maintain a calm and even tone of voice and a relaxed posture, even if you are raging inside at the injustice of his behavior.
      As strange as it may sound, the screamer will usually respect you for having stood up to him, and more importantly, he will refrain from screaming at you in the future. He will continue to scream at others, because screaming is a habit with leaders like this. Often they've been doing it for so long that they honestly don't realize the degree to which their behavior is affecting the organization. As a subordinate, it is not you job to correct his emotional instability, but you do want these tirades to stop being directed at you and your team. 

      The best coaches are those who encourage and steer individuals and teams toward success. In contrast, the worst coaches may be called coaches, but they are in fact critics. These are the people  quick to find fault with what you did, how you screwed up, or caused your team to fail. Their classic line goes, "You know you should have . . .." or "Why the hell didn't you . . .." If you are a serious player, whether on a military team or in life, critics gnaw at self-confidence and pride and rarely make you a better player.
       Often these annoying critics don't realize that they aren't coaching. For example, junior officers can be unwitting critics, because they are determined to insure that their team meets or exceeds every standard. No one understands this better than experienced NCOs, who have seen many lieutenants over the years. They are among the best coaches at steering lieutenants away from this type of behavior, as in "Sir (or Ma'am), let me handle this. I'll take care of it." Over time successful military leaders learn to avoid being a critic and embrace coaching. This doesn't mean that you avoid confronting problems or poor performance, which must be done. Rather, that you use the coaching approach to problem solving with people.
         On a more personal level, you can become a serious critic of yourself by finding fault and focusing on the negatives in your life. Society encourages us to make lists of our deficiencies. All the things you don't do well that need to be fixed. From the need to lose weight, to work out more, to complete that college degree, to spend more time with family, to get a better job, to avoid arguments with the boss, to make people like you --- the list goes on and can be very personal. It can also drag you down and be discouraging, if you let it. Instead, start focusing on what you have accomplished, what you do well, and in what aspects you are ahead of your peers (and there is almost always something that you do better than most people). Keep a positive list. Write it down, update and look at it regularly before you work on the fix-it list. If you screw up, ask yourself, "OK, so what did I learn from this?" and then move on. When you do well or achieve a goal, take a moment to commend yourself. This is what good coaches do. Despite all the critics out there, inside you are a winner, and you must be your own best coach.

   The Women's Leadership Forum, hosted by the 3rd Recruiting Brigade at Ft. Knox was an exceptional event. Well organized and filled with valuable insights into the challenges of bringing today's young women into the Army. The Brigade staff was impressive, but even more so were the many female recruiters from the 11 states they cover in the upper Midwest.  The event kicked off with 240 female JROTC cadets, who listened to presentations and had the opportunity to see a live demonstration of the Army's Golden Knights parachute team and a new physical fitness test under consideration.  This was followed by an assortment of small group discussions on a wide variety of topics to include overcoming obstacles,  unconscious bias and stereotypes, handling family responsibilities and dealing with relationships in the workplace.  The speakers and recruiters were outstanding and having the opportunity to speak at this event was an honor.  Many thanks to MAJ Melissa Miller, the project officer, who brought us all together.

   3rd Recruiting Brigade will be leading the way in the Army Recruiting Command. They are out ahead of the pack!

The importance of conducting an objective investigation of sexual harassment allegations cannot be over-emphasized. Just as you shouldn't automatically take the word of the senior individual, don't immediately assume that the person reporting the behavior is automatically telling the complete truth. Your team is counting on you to be objective and fair. Sometimes the report proves to be something other than what it appears at first.

Example:
Spc. Bentley was very upset when she asked to speak privately with 1st Sgt. Davis. She asked him to close the door, and then related that Spc. Steele had forced her against her will, to have sexual intercourse with him the previous night. 1st Sgt. Davis was a bit surprised by this, since he knew that Bentley and Steele had been dating. He asked her if she was sure this is what had happened. She repeated her story and indicated that she was prepared to swear to the matter. 1st Sgt. Davis reported the matter to his company commander, who was, not surprisingly, quite concerned. The military police conducted the investigation. Spc. Steel insisted that the incident had been consensual on Spc. Bentley"s part. He even pointed to the used condom in the waste basket as evidence. He took and passed a lie detector test. When confronted with this, Spc. Bentley insisted that he was lying. She said she would also take a lie detector test. She did and she failed it. As the story came out, Spc. Bentley was angry at Spc. Steele, because of some unflattering comments he had made about her to other people. She made her charge as an attempt to get even with him. Based on her false accusation and sworn statement, she was given an Article 15.

In this example, the natural inclination would have been to automatically take the word of Spc. Bentley. It also illustrates the difficult nature of sexual assault in that it not infrequently begins with a mutually agreeable relationship. When women decide that they are no longer comfortable with the relationship or that they don't want it to proceed beyond a certain point, they need to have the good sense and the courage to speak up for themselves and say, "Stop, I don't want to go any Further." Men would also be wise to take a moment and ask, "Are you OK with this?"

When your investigation proves to be founded and you are considering disciplinary action, investigate the individual's past. Often they have been in trouble for the same thing before, but those leaders let them off with a slap on the wrist and a mild warning to behave themselves.

Example:
Maj. Banks was pending a general officer Article 15 for repeated sexual harassment and assault on an enlisted soldier. On a hunch, Col. Moran, the brigade commander, called the chief of staff at Ft. Lee, where Maj. Banks had come from. He explained that Maj. Banks was in trouble for sexual harassment and assault, and asked if he had any history of this at Ft. Lee. The chief of staff replied that Maj. Banks had been in trouble for an almost identical situation, involving two enlisted women, who worked for him. Because Maj. Banks had a family and was a career officer, the post commander at Ft. Lee had been reluctant to take action. He said that he didn't want to ruin Maj. Bank's career, so he gave him a verbal warning, tore up the Article 15, and had him reassigned. The chief of staff told Col Moral that he had warned the post commander at the time, that the problem was going to happen again.

Leaders have a responsibility to soldiers to insure that those in authority are not abusing that authority. Shifting a problem to another organization may be tempting, but it doesn't solve the problem. Investigate reports of intimidation and sexual harassment. Take action as appropriate, whether that be UCMJ, documented counseling, or additional training. Keep a record of what you have done in the event that the behavior happens again. You control the leadership climate on your team by setting the standards and enforcing them when necessary

Note: This is an extract from Women on Your Team. Both examples are based on actual leader experience. Only the names have been changed.

     Chicken leaders at the top of organizations exist both in the military and in the civilian world. Wherever you encounter them, they can be a royal pain to work for. You know them when you see them . Personal appearance is always immaculate -- nails trimmed or neatly painted, if they are women; hair just right, even if that means their heads are shaved every morning; and clothing perfectly pressed and fitted. They sit at their desk or the conference table, as if perched on royal thrones, and woe be to anyone who questions their wisdom or authority. They are in charge and they know it. From their perspective, you as their subordinate are merely gravel in the coop -- something to be used when necessary, but otherwise fully expendable.

     When chicken leaders get together, they strut around, preening their feathers, and bragging to their contemporaries about their organization's achievements or their own upcoming promotion or latest high level connection. When their superiors enter the arena, the chickens quickly cluster around him or her, jockeying for face time. They are anxious to impress their boss with loyalty and concern for the current mission. Whatever their boss says, they cluck in enthusiastic agreement, whether it makes sense or not. The chicken leader has his/her eyes honed in on the prize, which is advancement and enhanced fame. Looking good and making a name for themselves are their top priorities.

     If all they did was cluck around in flocks, it would be bad enough, but unfortunately these chickens also have supervisory roles to fill. If it happens to be an administrative or staff job, that is bad enough. However, because of their boot-licking talents, they are often selected for key leadership positions. In civilian organizations, they become the CEO, the manager, the principal, or the shift leader, while in the military they become commanders, directors, first sergeants, and sergeant majors. It is here that their avoid controversy and please the boss at all costs style wrecks havoc.

     Barring any serious bump in the road, or God forbid, a disaster, the chickens contentedly cluck along until they achieve their goal, which is promotion to the next higher level. But when the proverbial shit hits the fan, their antics are downright laughable, that is unless you happen to work for them. Then they are Olympic level athletes at the games of Not It and I Didn't Do It. For example, a premier chicken effectively relieved a well-respected subordinate by promoting her to an administrative position. When questioned, he replied, "I have made a promise to myself that I will not speak badly of any person. Therefore, I cannot answer your question."

     While chicken leaders often attempt to imitate eagles, they can't carry out that role for long. Sooner or later their inner style emerges, feathers, cock combs, waddles, and all. Eagles are willing to take a chance. Not so with chickens. They innately fear that taking a chance could plunge them into failure. Eagles take initiative and soar. They also fail occasionally, but unlike chickens, eagles are quick to pick up the pieces, learn from their mistakes and move ahead.

     Recognize chicken leaders when you encounter them. You cannot change a chicken, although there might be times when you would like to chop them up, roll them in batter, and fry them in hot oil. No matter how hard you try or how well you do your job, their personality mold is firmly set. If there is a good part about working for this kind of leader, it is that they rarely get out of their offices. As a result, if you tread carefully, you can often run your shop the way you think is right, provided you don't cause the chicken to lose face.

     In the long term, though, you have to decide what is best for you. While this is not always true in the civilian sector, in the military sooner or later either you or the chicken leader will get transferred, and this can be the solution. Take a careful look at the overall culture in your organization. If the culture streamlines chicken leaders to the top as a general rule, then you may want to consider changing organizations. Changing jobs and organizations is never easy, particularly for military members, who are steadfastly loyal to the greater team. Your sanity is important and so are your skills. There is a whole world beyond your current organization. Sometimes you have to be the eagle and fly away to new horizons.